


Back Again - The Bloopers

by Waugh



Series: Back Again - The Series [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, No really don't take anything here seriously, Shorts and out-takes, The Law of Funny, crack-fic, mild horror in a few spots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-28
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2017-12-09 18:23:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/776563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waugh/pseuds/Waugh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shorts and out-takes from "Back Again - A Hobbit's Tale."  I blame growl_meow.  So should you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bilbo Keeps the Arkenstone AU (1/?)

**Bilbo Keeps the Arkenstone AU (1/?)**

One afternoon, many years after a hobbit, his cousin, and a pair of Dunedain Rangers slew the Great Worm Smaug in their attempt to destroy the One Ring, a wizard appeared at Bag End.

He was not a great wizard, like the head of his order, nor even a particularly unusual one, such as his collegue Radagast.  No, this wizard was perfectly ordinary, as wizards went.  His name was Gandalf.  He was there to invite one Bilbo Baggins to accompany him on a Quest.

You see, the Necromancer that dwelt to the south of Mirkwood was acting troublesome, and Gandalf feared that the dragon (whom he had not known was now deceased) would soon be persuaded to his cause.  To this purpose the wizard had encouraged an exiled dwarf king and a small group of his followers to attempt to re-take their home from the dragon, in line with a prophecy foretelling Smaug’s defeat.  All that the Company needed was a burglar.

Gandalf had thought long and hard about whom would be best for such an assignment, and after long thought and reflection one name had appeared to him: Bilbo Baggins, of Bag End.  A particularly adventurous hobbit, as hobbits went, and the son and grandson of several of the wizard’s old friends besides.

When Gandalf arrived at Bag End, Bilbo Baggins was sitting on his porch (as he was fond of doing), smoking his pipe (which he was also fond of doing.)

“Good afternoon,” said the hobbit upon seeing him.  “Running a little late, aren’t we?  I was expecting you hours ago!  I fear the tea has long since gone cold.”

“A wizard is never late,” Gandalf replied, raising his great bushy eyebrows.  “Nor is he early.  He arrives precisely when he means to.”

“I can hardly believe you meant to arrive late to morning tea and my mother’s prized butter scones!” Bilbo exclaimed.  “You always did so love them.”

“You remember me, then,” the wizard said, well pleased.  “That will make things much easier.”

“Ah, yes, that.”  Bilbo chewed on the stem of his pipe for a moment, before seemingly coming to a decision.  “Come to the garden for a moment with me,” he said suddenly.  “I have something to show you.”  And indeed, what Bilbo wished to communicate was something easier shown than said.

So hobbit and wizard walked to the garden of Bag End.  Shortly they arrived at their destination; a sitting area set around a birdbath, above which hung a brilliant suncatcher.

“Recognize that?” the hobbit asked, pointing at the suncatcher.

The wizard gaped.  “The Arkenstone…” he murmured, astounded.  “But, how…”

As if to answer, the hobbit reached into his pocket, withdrawing something from its depths.  He opened his fist, displaying a gleaming circle.

“As it turns out,” Bilbo said gravely, “dragonsfire is not, in fact, enough to destroy the One Ring.”

* * *

And then epicness occurred.  Sorry growl_meow, the prompt kinda warped on me. This takes place in an unspecified AU where the four get the Ring and kill the dragon, but the dragonsfire wasn't enough to destroy it. Nobody wanted to go to Mordor, so they all headed home. And Bilbo decided to keep the Arkenstone as a souvenir. Is crackfic, but what the hey.


	2. Arathorn and Gilraen Name Their Child "Bilbo" AU

**Arathorn & Gilraen Name Their Child "Bilbo" AU**

Arathorn paced outside the door to the healing room  What was taking so long, he wondered.  Gilraen was delievering a baby, not writing an epic poem!  Had something gone wrong?  Worry seized him, and he scowled.

He was Chief of the Dunedain, Arathorn reminded himself; if anything had gone wrong, midwife or no, he would have been informed.  He _would_ have been informed, wouldn't have he?

Just as Arathorn was considered kicking in the door, the midwife emerged.

"The babe has come," the midwife said.  "Your wife and child are ready to see you now."

Arathorn hurried inside.  The sight of a pale and tired Gilraen greeted him.  He wrapped her carefully in a hug, running his fingers gently through her sweat-soaked hair.

"You're alright," he said, relieved.  "And, is this...?"

"Yes," Gilraen said.  "This is our son; Aragorn Elessar Elfstone Estel Telcontar Thronogil Strider Longshanks Bilbo the Second.  Isn't he beautiful?"

Arathorn kissed Gilraen's brow, then kissed little Aragorn's nose.  "He is," the Chief of the Dunedain agreed.  "Just like his father."

With the last of her strength, Gilraen smacked her husband's shoulder.

* * *

Here you go, AllyrienDM.  I think there's a "Bilbo" in there somewhere... 

Yes, Aragorn has too many names.  FAR too many names.  In this AU, it is his parents' fault.

Edit: I forgot "Thorongil." Whoops. And "Longshanks." Double whoops. ;p


	3. Bilbo Keeps The Arkenstone AU (2/?)

**Bilbo Keeps The Arkenstone AU (2/?)**

After the wizard fainted, Bilbo dragged him inside.  This took a while, as while Bilbo was strong (for a hobbit) he was still a hobbit.  And Gandalf was very tall, even for a wizard.

 _At least this way he can't complain about bumping his head into the chandalier again,_ Bilbo remarked to himself.  _You would think, after all the years he visited my parents and then myself that he would have eventually remembered to duck..._

When Gandalf finally came to, Bilbo handed him a cup of tea.

"That was quite a nasty spill you took," the hobbit said with a concerned frown.  "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I..." the wizard stuttured.  "You said, you said..."

"Ah, yes," BIlbo nodded.  "Smaug is dead.  We, my friends and I, that is, killed him off several decades ago.  He had this regrettable habit of dragging young ladies off to be eaten and..."  Bilbo winced.  "Neither Gilraen nor Arathorn were particularly happy about that."

"The Chief and Chieftess of the Dunedain slew a dragon?" Gandalf asked.

"Oh, no," Bilbo said.  "Well, they helped, but it was more of a group effort.  I meant that they weren't particularly happy about Smaug attempting to eat her.  None of us were, but Arathorn and Gilraen herself were particularly upset.  Fortinbras was nearly beside himself with worry. After that sort of affront, well, we just couldn't let him live."

"He was a particularly arrogant dragon," Bilbo confided.  "Kept talking about his magnificent diamond waistcoat.  As if he didn't have an enormous bald patch directly over his heart!  What a fool," Bilbo laughed.

"But, the Arkenstone...?" Gandalf took another sip of his tea to fortify himself.

"Ah, yes, that," Bilbo said.  "I suppose I shouldn't have taken it, but I just couldn't help myself.  I needed to bring _something_ back with me after all, or mother would have killed me."  Bilbo winced.  "She nearly did, anyway."

Gandalf stared at the hobbit for a moment before he started to chuckle.  "All of that worrying and planning for nothing, then," he said, relieved.  "You are very much your mother's son!" he complimented Bilbo.

They sat for a moment in silence as Gandalf finished his tea.

"There is the matter of the, ah, Ring," the wizard said.  "What makes you believe that the ring you carry is the One?" he asked, ignoring the question of how a hobbit would have known of the existence of the One in the first place.

"Besides the fact that dragonsfire wasn't enough to consume or destroy it?" Bilbo asked.  "Here."  He removed the Ring from his pocket and held it up to the light.  "It is smooth and unmarked now... but, cast it into the fire and the words thereby are revealed."

"The script is elvish, but the language is that of Mordor," the hobbit continued.  "A particularly... 'helpful' orc translated it for us.  In the common tongue it reads: 'One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all, and in the Darkness, bind them.'"

"You came to me to ask me to partake of a Quest.  A Quest that I have already once completed.  Now, my friend, I find that I must ask the same of you.  Gandalf the Grey, wizard, Istari, will you help me to destroy the One Ring?"

The wizard blinked at Bilbo, wide-eyed.  "Yes," he said once he was capable of speaking.  "Of course."

"Now," Bilbo said, "if you would be so kind, please put your thieves' mark on this nice block of wood, instead of my front door.  It was freshly painted just this past week, and I would just so hate to have it repainted so soon."

"The Rangers tell you entirely too much," Gandalf groused, but did as Bilbo requested.  "I take it you mean to inform Thorin personally of his old enemy's demise?"

"Among other things," Bilbo said.  "Thirteen dwarves, correct?" he asked. "You didn't add any others by chance?"

"Fourteen," Gandalf corrected with a frown.  "Young Gimli is accompanying us, much against my wishes."

Bilbo nodded.  Fourteen dwarves would require a great deal of food, to say nothing of the _other_ guests he was expecting.  He had best get right to cooking, then.  "You're helping me cook," Bilbo said.  "It is the least you can do."

* * *

Okay, I guess Thorin and co. will be in the next Arkenstone AU fic.  :(  Phooey.

Have spent the day editing and re-reading Back Again... Argh. *twitches* But now I can start on the next chapter without fear of forgetting major details... (Like that Fortinbras' mother is apparently dead. How could I have forgotten that? How?)


	4. The Other Letter Home Out-take

**The Other Letter Home Out-take** ****

_"Dear Mum and Dad,"_ Bilbo wrote carefully.  _"Fortinbras and I are alive and well, as are our Ranger friends and allies.  After being separated from friendly forces during the battle we found that we had little choice but to flee into the Old Forest in order to evade our enemies.  We made it safely past the trees, in part thanks to the Rohan blade you gifted me with."_

Here Bilbo paused a moment in thought.  _What to say, what to say?_ he asked himself.  He started writing again.  _"A talking fox led us safely to the house of Tom Bombadil and his wife Goldberry, where we were given food and drink and kept as guests until the spring rains came.  Afterwards, we came into a spot of good fortune.  While we were headed to Bree the four of us were captured by one of the infamous Barrow-wights of the Barrow-downs.  It put us under its spell and attempted to behead us, so that we would join its collection of corpses, but luckily we were able to overcome it.  In order to break the wight's hold on the barrow, we collected all of its treasure and brought it to the outside.  The Rangers found new swords and Arathorn a new shield and all four of us collected more gold and valuables than we could ever use in our lifetimes."_

 _"I tell you this so that you will not worry about my finances later in life, as I do not know when or even if I shall see Bag End or the Shire again,"_ Bilbo wrote.  _"I hope you are not too terribly angry with my decision; I have joined the Rangers, and am now taking missions and assignments alongside my few friends.  Cousin Fortinbras has joined as well.  He has heard of Uncle Isumbras' plans to wed him to the Clayhanger heiress, Lalia, and has said that he 'would prefer a lifetime of hunting orcs and goblins over marrying that harpy!'  Fortinbras is not particularly happy with Uncle Isumbras at the moment, needless to say."_

_"I hope the both of you are in good health and continue to be so for as long as possible.  I promise to write often, and visit when I can.  If you hear nothing from me in more than a year, then I am probably dead.  I love you both; your son, Bilbo."_

Bilbo looked down at the letter he had written, and read it through once more.  _This will never do,_ he thought, frowning.  He crumpled the letter into a ball and threw it into the fireplace, alongside countless others. 

Then, he started again.  _"Dear Mum and Dad,"_ he wrote.  _"Fortinbras and I are alive and well..."_


	5. Bilbo Keeps the Arkenstone 3/?

**Arkenstone AU: 3/?**

It was less than a half hour before sundown when Dwalin finally arrived at the home of the Company's prospective burglar.  He knocked on the door once, then twice, before it cracked opened and a beardless and child-like face peered out at him.

Dwalin eyed the hobbit with a sense of mild disdain, and then stamped his feet.  "Are you Bilbo Baggins?" Dwalin asked after several moments had passed.

"Yes," the hobbit answered.  "And you must be Dwalin.  Come in, come in; supper is ready and Gandalf is waiting."  With these words, the hobbit ushered the dwarf inside.

Dwalin found himself seated at the long, low table in Baggin's sitting room.  Twenty-one plates, twenty-one cups, and twenty-one sets of forks and knives were displayed on the table.  In the center stood great serving trays, from which delicious smells emanated.

Dwalin sniffed appreciatively, and thought to himself that even if the hobbit was as useless as he appeared - that scar on his face was most likely the result of a kitchen accident or something equally hobbitish - at least the Company would have a good sending-off before their quest.

A crash sounded at the same moment that a voice exclaimed; "ow!"  Dwalin tensed in surprise before relaxing.  He recognized that voice - it was only Gandalf.

"Why you haven't learned to duck by now is a mystery to me," Dwalin's hobbit host chided the wizard.  "Gilraen and Arathorn both manage it just fine, and they haven't been visiting Bag End for nearly as long as you."

"When you get to be my age, Master Baggins," the wizard replied," you, too, shall find yourself forgetting more than you ever knew."

"Hmm," the hobbit responded.  "You know, I don't believe that such a thing is even possible.  You _are_ older than Cirdan himself, after all."

Gandalf merely snorted in reply to these words. 

Dwalin gaped when the wizard finally came into view.  The hobbit smial was too small for human-sized Gandalf, of course, and so he was hunched over, his long hair falling everywhere.  No, that was no surprise to the dwarf warrior.  What _was_ a surprise was that the wizard was dressed in a hobbit-sized apron - that was, made for someone half the height and twice the width of Gandalf - and wearing a pair of similarly ill-fitting oven mitts.

The wizard looked ridiculous, in other words.  He was also bearing another enormous platter of food.

Dwalin took another look at the plate settings.  There was enough food piled on the table for twenty, certainly.  But the Company only numbered fourteen, and, including the wizard and hobbit, that left four settings unaccounted for.  Gandalf had assured them that the hobbit lived alone, so the settings were not for a spouse or children...

The hobbit was expecting guests, then.  _Thorin will not be happy,_ Dwalin mused.  _These halflings seem inclined enough to gossip as it is, doubtless their tongues will be set to wagging at the mere sight of us.  I do not want to imagine what the mention of treasure and dragons will do!_

Still, there was little to be done for it, or at least little that Dwalin could do.  Well, he _could_ put the fear of dwarvish steel into them, but it struck him as perhaps a bit heavy-handed...  Better to leave the matter to Gandalf.  He was a wizard, after all.  He had _ways._

"Good evening, Master Dwalin," Gandalf said upon seeing the dwarf.

Dwalin grunted in acknowledgement.  The wizard still looked ridiculous, _ways_ or not.

"The others shall be along shortly, I presume."  Gandalf continued.  "Thorin _is_ traveling with them?" he asked hopefully.

"Aye," Dwalin said.  "Or else we'd be waiting 'til midnight for him."  Thorin's sense of direction was well-known, or rather his lack of one was, and none of the company trusted him to navigate the maze of hobbit roads on his own.  It was only polite to wait for their prince to arrive before starting on supper, after all, or at least so Balin would say.  Dori, of course, would agree with him, and not a single dwarf would argue against the both of them when they decided to work together.

The hobbit grinned at that bit of news, the movement twisting the scar across his cheek.  His eyes glinted.  He looked dangerous all of a sudden, this "Mr. Bilbo Baggins," even in his velvet dining jacket and bright yellow trousers.  Almost crazed. 

Dwalin suppressed a shudder.

True to the wizard's words, the Company began to arrive shortly afterwards.  Balin was the first to appear, with Fili and Kili trailing afterwards.

"Wipe your boots on the mat and weapons go in the chest to your left!" the hobbit called from the direction of the kitchen the moment Dwalin opened the door.

Balin rapped his knuckles on the back of Kili's head as the young dwarf went to scrape his boots off on a nearby box. Kili pouted at the elderly dwarf, who raised an unimpressed eyebrow in response.  Kili carefully wiped his boots on the mat.

"Mister Dwalin!" Fili called cheerfully.  "We only got lost once!"  That Dwalin was supposed to be impressed by this statement went unsaid.

Dwalin hid his head in his hands.  Hopeless.  The lot of them.

"I trust that my mother's glory box remains unmolested?" the hobbit asked, appearing from the direction of the dining room.  He eyed the two younger dwarves as he spoke.

"Yes," Balin answered," if by that you mean the box under the table near the enterance."

"Good," Baggins nodded.  "In that case, I am Bilbo Baggins, son of Bungo Baggins.  Welcome to my home."

"I am Balin, son of Fundin," Balin replied, "and these two are Fili and Kili."

"Hi! - Hello!" Fili and Kili said at the same time.

Baggins bowed briefly in greeting, then turned again to Balin.  "I hear that you have a proposition for me," he said.  "I already know some of it, but in any case I would be appreciative if we could save the discussion until my other guests have arrived."

"That sounds acceptable," Balin blinked.  He had had no plans to discuss the Quest until Thorin arrived in any case.

"And what other guests might those be, Master Baggins?" Dwalin drolled.

"I am expecting my cousin and a few old friends," the hobbit said with a bland smile.

Dwalin's eyes glinted, and he made to question the hobbit further, but the ringing of the bell interrupted him.

"That should be them now, in fact," Baggins said, and went to open the door.

Sure enough, a party of four was standing on the doorstep.  Contrary to Dwalin's expectations, however, only one of that party was a hobbit.  The two humans were unexpected, but not nearly as unexpected as the elf that stood behind them.

Now, Dwalin did not hate elves, exactly - it was not particularly fair to judge an entire people by the actions of one wanker and his sodding nation, after all - but to say that he distrusted them on general principle was a bit of an understatement.  They tended to be superior, haughty, and utterly ridiculous in turns, and had little to no respect for the ways of others, with very few exceptions. Fanhir of Duillond was one.

Judging by the set of this elf's mouth upon seeing dwarves within the hobbit-hole, Dwalin did not hold any high hopes for his behavior.  _Gandalf had better manage this one,_ Dwalin thought to himself grimly.  He had the look of a wood elf about him, too. The last thing the Company needed was for Thranduil's interest to be aroused.  That elf would rob them all blind if he ever got a chance.

"Bilbo!" the humans said in greeting.

"Cousin," the other hobbit nodded.

The elf dipped his head briefly, then aimed a glare at the backs of the humans' heads.

"We're not late, are we?" the male human asked with a grin.  He peered at the assembled dwarves, then seemingly dismissed them in favor of staring at Gandalf, who had emerged out of one of the many hallways.

"Arathorn, Gilraen, and Fortinbras Took," the wizard said, enunciating every syllable.  "You have known for years, haven't you?"

Baggin's cousin smiled.  "We _were_ there," he said.

"You never said a word."  Gandalf said, his voice mild.

"The time was not yet right," the female human said, as mildly as the wizard.

"And now is?" the wizard asked.

"Yes," the female said with a bland smile, her eyelids fluttering shut.

Baggins stepped forward, edging into the space between Gandalf and the four travelers.  "You're not late at all," he said, answering the male human's question.  "Right on time, as a matter of fact, unlike _some_ people."

"Hmm... ah, yes!" Baggins continued, clapping his hands together.  "Introductions."  He turned to the dwarfs and said; "May I introduce the Chief and Chieftess of the Dunedain, and my good friends, the Rangers Arathorn and Gilraen; my cousin Fortinbras Took, Thain of the Shire; and our dear friend Legolas. One more should be making her way here shortly..."

The dwarves stared.

* * *

I think this is the final installment of the Arkenstone AU series - it accidentally became serious fic somewhere along the line O.o.  Yeah, no.  Next one will probably involve Bert, Tom and William, and why, exactly, they share their names with the Hobbit’s unfortunate trolls...  >:D  Next chapter of Back Again will be up tomorrow morning. 

Edit: well, given the new movie and all...  I think I see a way around the srs!stuff.  Let the crackfic continue! :D


	6. Secrets of the Trolls Out-take

A/N: umm...  do not read if you are particularly squeamish.  Or afraid of the dark.  Or attached to these three yokels.  Heh.  Heheheheheh.  >:D

**Or, What Really Became of Tom, Bert and William**

Bert grumbled to himself as he trudged along in the dark, Tom and William following right behind.  The bosses had not been particularly happy with any of them, much as he had feared earlier.  Thankfully, most of the blame had been put on the incompetent guards who had allowed the prisoners to escape the cells in the first place. 

Not that it helped Bert much: nearly the entire compound had been turned out to retrieve the horses and find the escaped prisoners' trail.  _Everyone out searching,_ Bert complained, _and I am stuck with these two idiots._

Luckily, the seriousness of the situation had somehow managed to lodge itself in the twosome's minds.  While many were retrieving the mass of horses that had bolted southwards, most of those who had been involved in the escape were sent to search to the north of the compound.  Bert did not feel particularly comfortable journeying quite so close to the Trollshaws. 

 _That was probably the prisoners' plan,_ Bert thought.  Their fool of a Chieftain's heir and the two halflings likely wouldn't have dared such a thing, but Bert would put nothing past any daughter of Ivorwen's.  _Like as not she aims to get us all eaten by trolls._   He looked around once more, his ears wide open.  _Well, she shall not get her wish!_

 _Though_ , he mused, _if we are particularly lucky, just that fate might be in store for them..._ The thought cheered the renegade Dunedain immensely, and he began humming as he walked.  The noise distracted the other two, who glared at him, paying little heed to their surroundings as they ventured deeper into the woods. 

This is what got the three of them in trouble. 

Trolls, you see, are not particularly stealthy creatures.  They do not sneak, generally, especially in forests, as they are both large and clumsy and tend to snap branches and crush bushes in their paths.  No, no, if trolls relied on sneakiness to catch their prey they would never catch anything at all.  No, trolls are not good at sneaking.

Trolls are, however, remarkably adept at staying both motionless and soundless for hours on end.  In the small hours of the night, where their huge and twisted forms are near indistinguishable from the trees and rocks around them, they will hide alongside paths and roads, waiting for their prey to come to them.  At that time of night they find deer, mostly, as well as the occasional unwary traveler. 

Trolls, you see, while not particularly good at sneaking, _are_ particularly good at hiding.  And these Dunedain, while not unwary, were certainly reckless.

A great hand reached down, and before Bert knew what had happened, he was upside down in the grip of a troll.

Tom and William fled, but they had not taken more than three steps before they were caught up by the first troll's companions.  They cried out in dismay.

"Wot 'ave we got 'ere boys?" the first troll asked, bringing Bert up to the level of his eyeball.  "A spot of manflesh, it seems!"  He shook the Dunedain roughly, sending his sword and quiver to the ground.  "A prickly 'un, but we know 'ow ta deal with that."

The remaining trolls grinned.

Tom and William gibbered in fear, while Bert protested his treatment.  He reached up, grabbing the knife hidden in his boot, and stabbed at the troll's hand.  It gave out a great shout and dropped him.

"Bert, help!" Tom yelled. 

Bert ignored him, doing his best to flee into the night.

The troll caught him within moments.  "'Bert,' eh?" it asked curiously.  "Ma and Pa always did say you became what you ate...  Na' the best of names, but beggars can't be choosers and all.  Guess 'Bert' will 'ave ta do fer now." 

* * *

The four really lucked out...  Their escape could have gone so very, very wrong...  This might end up in Back Again proper, if I feel like editing it in...  Also might do another AU where Forget Me Not is the prequel to the series - because I really want to write BAMF!Bilbo charming the socks off of the Elven King.  Even if it is likely to have the same SPOILERS ending as what I've got in mind.  Will continue the Arkenstone AU, so you guys can quit pouting :(.  The pouting is sad.


End file.
